Dating Tips from the Queen of Singledom
Written by Sheba Arifulla; teacher, photographer and Queen of Singeldom @queensheba24
I’ve been single all my life, and to this day, I am perplexed by the dating world! Particularly with all the options, and methods of communication, it can be exhausting. So here are a few tips to help you navigate.
Don’t over-think or over analyze. I tend to do that but it is definitely not healthy! After a date, I’m usually excited from the possibility of someone new. After a little bit, I start wondering: if this person IS the man I marry, will it even work out? Is the conversation really that great, that I can stand being with him forever? What if he gets to know me and realizes that I’m a bit of a hoarder (don’t ask my best friend on this, her opinion doesn’t count!) then leave me in the end. Of course, if I’ve met the guy once, it doesn’t affect me as much, but if I start to like him, the situation becomes infinitely worse! I’m here to tell you, that this is NOT a healthy thing to do. Instead of getting to know the person, you spend more time stressing over scenarios that may never come into fruition. You are causing your own relationships to end even before they have a chance to start!I call my best friends, and tell them my fears, which helps calm me down. Self-reflection helps a lot when I start worrying too.
Never focus all of your attention on “him”. If you are seeing him as an object of perfection and your life revolves more around him than yourself, you’re going to get hurt. I go out of my way to keep people happy, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. If a guy I’m dating likes something, like a movie, or a show, I will watch it because it’s important to him, even though it’s not my thing. One guy I was dating liked Spirited Away, so I checked it out (I had been meaning to anyway, and of course loved it!) Another guy I liked, back in university really like comedy shows and told a lot of jokes. The problem was that when I stopped dating him, I associated comedy with this the hurt he caused and stopped watching it all together.
If you give him too much of yourself, you might start to neglect your friends too. As a pre-emptive measure, I’ve given all my friends permission to give me a heads up if I’m focusing all my attention on one person too soon. Keep your girlfriends in the loop. They’ve been with you through all the ugly cries about guys . You’ll need them when things get tough. This can be a little problematic though! I was talking to a guy in Calgary, and he came down to visit, and he wanted to meet up. We decided to meet for coffee. I was going to my best friend’s birthday afterwards, followed by a trip to Niagara Falls. The guy was also going to be there and wanted to meet up again. I know, I know, the guy was coming from out of town, etc. However, this was planned ahead of time, and it was girls’ night! I didn’t want to just ditch her for a guy who may, or may not be long term (he’s not, by the way). Is this the reason why I’m still single?
Don’t be a chameleon, Human! Take pride in who you are and what makes you unique. If you try to be someone else in order to please him, odds are it will seem…well, un-natural. I’m always afraid that if I’m too much of myself, or reveal too much, I’m going to scare the guy away. Sound familiar? It’s terrifying, because it means being vulnerable, and opening up to someone who will know all the pieces of you. For instance, I had a very sweet guy who knew I was stressing about work. He told me that if I needed to talk, that I could call him. Did I? Of course not! I was worried that if he knew that I had problems, or wasn’t perfect, or was worrying about little things, that he’d think I was crazy. I’ve had people advise me to not let the crazy (or easily excitable parts) all out at once. Once, a friend realized how much Tauriel bothered me in The Hobbit movies, and I got so passionate about it, I could see on his face that he was just egging me on. I told him that I knew he was making fun of me, but I had started, and had to continue! Luckily, we’re still friends. The point is, you can only “control” yourself for so long, before your true self comes out anyway! Might as well be proud of who you are; the right people will stick around, and the wrong ones will leave.
You may have noticed that I didn’t stick to the standard dating tips (don’t text too often, or call too much; don’t seem to eager; don’t chase guys, etc). I find that when two people are interested, all the little things, and all the rules, don’t really matter much. The rule of waiting before messaging or calling or responding to a text so you don’t seem too eager don’t really matter when it’s the right person. In fact, you won’t even remember, or think of the “rules” when you’re with Mr. Right. If you mess up, it’s okay, because they’ll love you, just the way you are (Bridget Jones reference!) So my biggest tip to all you single folks out there is this: don’t worry, enjoy life, and take advantage of being single. You won’t be there for much longer, and when you aren’t, you don’t want to have any regrets!